Sometimes I feel suffocated.
Sometimes I feel trapped by everything I am and everything I think I need to do.
Sometimes the sheer weight of obligation and expectation and responsibility feels too much to bear.
Sometimes I want to escape. I want to quit everything. I want my brain to shut down. I want some quiet from the stress and the worry and the strain.
Sometimes I dislike myself intensely.
Sometimes I just want to forget.
Sometimes I resent my role as a special needs parent. I just want to live a quiet, relaxed and “normal” life.
Sometimes I yearn for solitude while dreading the quiet of the night.
Sometimes I fear the truths buried deep in my mind.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to fight so hard for every little thing, every single day.
Sometimes the future overshadows everything and I can’t see a way forward.
Sometimes I want to give up.
Tomorrow I will be strong and brave again. Tomorrow I will be positive and focused on the future. Tomorrow I will be myself again.
But today I feel suffocated.
Hang in there Kirsty. I understand why you may feel this way from time to time however please know that you are admired and respected by many. And those that know you, never judge you. You are awesome. xx
Thanks Gary. I feel better now but some days are harder than others and it helped me a little to write it out. Thanks so much for your lovely words, they mean a lot to me.
Oh Kirsty I wish I could give you a big comforting understanding hug.
There would not be many mums out there that have not felt the way you are feeling now.I think it is great you are letting it out in words so we can all be here to give you the love and support you need right now.
Please know you are a wonderful person who does the best she can and should feel very proud of all you do for your family.
This feeling will pass but while you feel it know we are all here with comforting arms open wide,ears willing to listen and hearts understanding.Big hugs.xx
Thanks so much Deb. I don’t normally post so raw but it felt good to get it out and I feel so much better today. Knowing that there are lovely souls out there like yourself also helps – thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment and care.
Hugs to you Kirsty. I know the feeling. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be the one who always holds it together, who helps everyone else. When is it my turn to fall apart?
Exactly! That’s exactly how I feel sometimes, that there is no-one else, that it’s all up to me. That’s a lonely feeling and just makes the pressure worse. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone in feeling this way sometimes.
I completely understand Kirsty!
Sending big hugs your way
xx
Thanks Tracey. I’m feeling better now but it never really goes away, does it? Thanks for the hugs too!
I hope that you feel a little better today. Baby steps is sometimes the only way to do it.
Thanks E. I do feel better today but those feelings are always there, simmering under the surface. Baby steps are definitely the way to go – thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment.
Are you still feeling the same, five years on?
Not as much these days. When I’m in the midst of anxiety and depression, these feelings emerge more often, but when I’m feeling on top of things, I generally feel okay. There are obviously some days where my resilience, patience and tolerance are low and I wish I could just get up and get away. But, thankfully, those moments are not as frequent these days. Leaving the stress of work definitely helped me x
It’s so important that we acknowledge these feelings when we have them. Burying them does no good!
Yep, have learned that lesson to my cost! Thankfully I don’t feel like this too often but it’s not easy to come up for air sometimes x
Sometimes it’s okay to not feel okay. It’s tough stuff this parenting special needs gig! P.S. We should catch up again soon 🙂
We should definitely catch up – I’ll message you and set up something before the end of March x